That time once again

I know I was being presumptuous when I sent you what I sent. I found someone who I thought liked what I liked and was fun to be around. I didn't ask for you to do anything and left it at that. I was only looking for a friend who I could travel with and be on my arm "Looks Like Rain" Words by John Perry Barlow Barlow has posted his lyrics Copyright Ice Nine Publishing; used by permission I woke today And felt your side of bed The covers were still warm where you'd been layin'. You were gone... My heart was filled with dread. You might not be sleepin' here againvel w [Chorus:] It's alright, 'cause I love you. And that's not gonna change. Run me round, make me hurt again and again. But I'll still sing you love songs Written in the letters of your name. And brave the storm to come, For it surely looks like rain. Did you ever waken to the sound Of street cats makin' love And guess from their cries You were listenin' to a fight? Well, you know... Hate's just the last thing they're thinkin' of. They're only trying to make it through the night. [Chorus:] I only want to hold you. I don't want to tie you down. Or fence you in the lines I might have drawn. It's just that I've gotten used to Havin' you around. My landscape would be empty If you were gone. [Rain, rain, go away...]

Still here

Sup world, I'm still here and free of cancer. I have even allowed myself to be sucked down into a black hole being stopped just short of the event horizon. Time is moving really really slow and I am wanting to step out and away from the edge. Life is good but it could be better. Rant mode on. It really does suck big hairy balls (unless you are into that sort of thing, not I) to be married for health insurance, money and not for companionship and love. It's been so fucking long, will you ever forgive me for my transgressions that you were 50% of. I have needs that you are unwilling to even consider. At least when the time comes I know I will be able to survive hell because I survived being married to you and if that's not hell I don't know what is.

Fuck Cancer

All I ever wanted was to be left alone to live, pretty fucking ironic me thinks. Being told ones expiration date really really sucks. When you die so do your dreams, few have the means to fulfill those dreams in their lifetimes. Well I had a good life for the most part, did things that others never will nor would they understand if told. A few more thoughts and rants, I really wanted to live forever. Between the books, movies and medical science we were led to believe that we could live forever. Now I get to rely on modern organized religion which I do have a problem with. Don't ever say I am in a better place as I am not as I will be fucking dead and not here with everyone who is still alive. Why is there so much pain in life. I am alive, you are alive we do not need constant or near constant pain to remind us of the fact that we are alive. Your hobbies and the things you enjoyed most will be tossed aside no one in your family does the things you do nor have the passions that you alone have. I can't believe I am writing about the end of my life. I know it will come across as cliche but the things I still wanted to do and the days I will not get to have. The book is almost finished and only a few are aware I ever existed.

Jack O' Roses

Jack O' Roses Lyrics: Robert Hunter Music: Jerry Garcia, [Brian Lesh] This is the seventh song in Robert Hunter's Terrapin Station Suite. It was never played by the Grateful Dead, though Hunter credits the music to Jerry Garcia (note 1). Hunter himself recorded it on his LP "Jack O' Roses" (never issued as a CD). What makes your sweet breast heave, my dear your bright eyes fill with tears? Did Jack O' Roses leave you here those seven lonely years? Had you fear he might be dead unwept in some far land? Or worse that love itself had fled betrayed both heart and hand? (note 2) Jack O' Roses with a fan East of Eden turned built his castles in the sand and all their bridges burned (note 3) Wait for him (note 4) Don't take no other no demon lover who'll be gone at dawn Did you throw your fan too far this time? Well, well, well ... from the lion's den to the morning star to the gates of Hell! The morning star rose into hell three days to shine on Moses and from his solitary cell to free the Jack O' Roses He sprang to saddle like wind, I allow (note 5) for bridle strains of lightning Ride, ride, ride, though tempest howl cruelly and most frightening (note 6) For at the dawn fair Terrapin arose like revelation The morning star reflected in the windows of Terrapin Station Terrapin (note 7) If anyone should ask of you who made this song say the Jack O' Roses and all who played along who rise, climb, fall to win Terrapin What have we to lose from love except what lacks foundation Words can only carve the space we fill with expectation The lion's den lies far behind (note 8) in visions of the damned Jack O' Roses one more time My lady, here's your fan (note 9) Terrapin let me rise, let me fall, let me climb, let me crawl but let me in Accept this fan as a token of what I meant to do for I really do love you

It's the dreaming that's real

Once again I find myself dreaming of you Mon Amour. In my dreams you are the one I let get away which is troublesome as I was the one who left you. You are always just out of reach and it's my own fault as I had you once all to myself for the rest of our lives and I let you go all in the name of doing the right thing. I had you, you were mine and I was yours if only for a small bit of time but it was the happiest I have ever been. I do regret what I did and how people were hurt and this shows up in my dreams as to always being on the outside looking in and never quite connecting with you, fuck that is frustrating some days. I hope you are happy and maybe fate will have us crossing paths one day. I miss you, I really really do. Out on the road in West Marin In a cloud of dust I met two djinn One was bright as pride and thin The other was fat and black as sin Isn't this how all good tales begin The big one looked a lot like you The other one looked just like you too They wound me round, they ran me through A score of lies they swore were true Isn't that what genies always do Night come sudden, dawn be soon Bide my time by the dark of the moon My strange heroes lead me on But when I get there they'll be gone Ever since I was a pup Deal was I'd sing before I'd sup My silver spoon's this beggar's cup And when it's empty I fill up All I have to do is just show up The prophet said all flesh is grass He had a soul like old stained glass A smile as sweet as sasafrass Well that ol' boy can kiss my ass Who the hell can wait for life to pass [chorus] I'm going to Adam's home in a world that we can't see To sing drunk with the angels, play again for free The way that is no way is calling you to me If we don't believe together, we might just cease to be Way down by the shining gate The djinn revealed to me my fate You and I, we've got a date I'll be there, but you'll be late Maybe things really comes to those that wait Those two djinn they couldn't stay Chased away by dawn's first rays They called back as they ran away They told me, "Have a real fine day" Isn't that what genies always say? [chorus] [chorus] A short while back the door flung wide We all saw good luck on the other side The door blew shut but here's the deal Dreams are lies, it's the dreaming that's real It's the dreaming that's real Dreams are lies, it's the dreaming that's real Dreaming that's real It's the dreaming that's real Dreaming that's real Dreaming that's real Dreaming that's real [etc]

What the Fuck

I really have to say what the fuck is wrong with people today. I also want to say a big Fuck You and Fuck Off to two of my three kids. When me and the wife should be enjoying ourselves and doing things for us we get shit on again by our kids. Sven was nice knowing you and I am sorry for my fucking piece of shit daughter for what she has done to you, she was not raised by us to be this way. Justin, Fuck You for bringing your shit and fucked up life into our lives. What makes you think I want your shit in my world. I know now I should of bought that fucking island in the stream so as to get away from all of you assholes who are harshing my mellow.

Most of the time

"Most Of The Time" Most of the time I'm clear focused all around Most of the time I can keep both feet on the ground I can follow the path I can read the sign Stay right with it when the road unwinds I can handle whatever I stumble upon I don't even notice she's gone Most of the time. Most of the time it's well understood Most of the time I wouldn't change it if I could I can make it all match up I can hold my own I can deal with the situation right down to the bone I can survive and I can endure And I don't even think about her Most of the time. Most of the time my head is on straight Most of the time I'm strong enough not to hate I don't build up illusion 'til it makes me sick I ain't afraid of confusion no matter how thick I can smile in the face of mankind Don't even remember what her lips felt like on mine Most of the time. Most of the time she ain't even in my mind I wouldn't know her if I saw her She's that far behind Most of the time I can even be sure If she was ever with me Or if I was ever with her Most of the time I'm halfway content Most of the time I know exactly where it went I don't cheat on myself I don't run and hide Hide from the feelings that are buried inside I don't compromise and I don't pretend I don't even care if I ever see her again Most of the time.