Well a venting of sorts

People suck and once again I got sucked in to that Black Hole I had written about. All I was doing was looking for a friend and someone to hang with and I was a stupid dumbass blinded by someone 20 years younger with a smile that melted my heart. I looked into your eyes and you not once told me you had someone that you have now called your SO. I told you I don't get angry anymore and that is true but I don't like my heart getting ripped out. This is how I heal by writing about my feelings and how I am affected by what went down. Did I say I am a dumbass. I'm just glad that I have lots o money or I might be more upset then I am because I am out almost $450 in tickets and $500 in a chain and necklace that I would not of given you if I had known your truth. In the end I hope you are hurting but I suspect now that will not be the case but I can dream lol. Take care my little Alabama Getaway and next time try not to use the kind and gentle old guy who talked to you when you sat down next to him. We will always have Mexico. For future reference put on your social media that you have an SO as there is nothing what so ever there and it just might avoid a heartbreak. "Box of Rain" Words by Robert Hunter; music by Phil Lesh Copyright Ice Nine Publishing; used by permission. Look out of any window any morning, any evening, any day Maybe the sun is shining birds are winging or rain is falling from a heavy sky - What do you want me to do, to do for you to see you through? this is all a dream we dreamed one afternoon long ago Walk out of any doorway feel your way, feel your way like the day before Maybe you'll find direction around some corner where it's been waiting to meet you - What do you want me to do, to watch for you while you're sleeping? Well please don't be surprised when you find me dreaming too Look into any eyes you find by you, you can see clear through to another day I know it's been seen before through other eyes on other days while going home -- What do you want me to do, to do for you to see you through? It's all a dream we dreamed one afternoon long ago Walk into splintered sunlight Inch your way through dead dreams to another land Maybe you're tired and broken Your tongue is twisted with words half spoken and thoughts unclear What do you want me to do to do for you to see you through A a box of rain will ease the pain and love will see you through Just a box of rain - wind and water - Believe it if you need it, if you don't just pass it on Sun and shower - Wind and rain - in and out the window like a moth before a flame It's just a box of rain I don't know who put it there Believe it if you need it or leave it if you dare But it's just a box of rain or a ribbon for your hair Such a long long time to be gone and a short time to be there Such a long long time to be gone, such a short time to be.

That time once again

I know I was being presumptuous when I sent you what I sent. I found someone who I thought liked what I liked and was fun to be around. I didn't ask for you to do anything and left it at that. I was only looking for a friend who I could travel with and be on my arm "Looks Like Rain" Words by John Perry Barlow Barlow has posted his lyrics Copyright Ice Nine Publishing; used by permission I woke today And felt your side of bed The covers were still warm where you'd been layin'. You were gone... My heart was filled with dread. You might not be sleepin' here againvel w [Chorus:] It's alright, 'cause I love you. And that's not gonna change. Run me round, make me hurt again and again. But I'll still sing you love songs Written in the letters of your name. And brave the storm to come, For it surely looks like rain. Did you ever waken to the sound Of street cats makin' love And guess from their cries You were listenin' to a fight? Well, you know... Hate's just the last thing they're thinkin' of. They're only trying to make it through the night. [Chorus:] I only want to hold you. I don't want to tie you down. Or fence you in the lines I might have drawn. It's just that I've gotten used to Havin' you around. My landscape would be empty If you were gone. [Rain, rain, go away...]

Still here

Sup world, I'm still here and free of cancer. I have even allowed myself to be sucked down into a black hole being stopped just short of the event horizon. Time is moving really really slow and I am wanting to step out and away from the edge. Life is good but it could be better. Rant mode on. It really does suck big hairy balls (unless you are into that sort of thing, not I) to be married for health insurance, money and not for companionship and love. It's been so fucking long, will you ever forgive me for my transgressions that you were 50% of. I have needs that you are unwilling to even consider. At least when the time comes I know I will be able to survive hell because I survived being married to you and if that's not hell I don't know what is.

Fuck Cancer

All I ever wanted was to be left alone to live, pretty fucking ironic me thinks. Being told ones expiration date really really sucks. When you die so do your dreams, few have the means to fulfill those dreams in their lifetimes. Well I had a good life for the most part, did things that others never will nor would they understand if told. A few more thoughts and rants, I really wanted to live forever. Between the books, movies and medical science we were led to believe that we could live forever. Now I get to rely on modern organized religion which I do have a problem with. Don't ever say I am in a better place as I am not as I will be fucking dead and not here with everyone who is still alive. Why is there so much pain in life. I am alive, you are alive we do not need constant or near constant pain to remind us of the fact that we are alive. Your hobbies and the things you enjoyed most will be tossed aside no one in your family does the things you do nor have the passions that you alone have. I can't believe I am writing about the end of my life. I know it will come across as cliche but the things I still wanted to do and the days I will not get to have. The book is almost finished and only a few are aware I ever existed.

Jack O' Roses

Jack O' Roses Lyrics: Robert Hunter Music: Jerry Garcia, [Brian Lesh] This is the seventh song in Robert Hunter's Terrapin Station Suite. It was never played by the Grateful Dead, though Hunter credits the music to Jerry Garcia (note 1). Hunter himself recorded it on his LP "Jack O' Roses" (never issued as a CD). What makes your sweet breast heave, my dear your bright eyes fill with tears? Did Jack O' Roses leave you here those seven lonely years? Had you fear he might be dead unwept in some far land? Or worse that love itself had fled betrayed both heart and hand? (note 2) Jack O' Roses with a fan East of Eden turned built his castles in the sand and all their bridges burned (note 3) Wait for him (note 4) Don't take no other no demon lover who'll be gone at dawn Did you throw your fan too far this time? Well, well, well ... from the lion's den to the morning star to the gates of Hell! The morning star rose into hell three days to shine on Moses and from his solitary cell to free the Jack O' Roses He sprang to saddle like wind, I allow (note 5) for bridle strains of lightning Ride, ride, ride, though tempest howl cruelly and most frightening (note 6) For at the dawn fair Terrapin arose like revelation The morning star reflected in the windows of Terrapin Station Terrapin (note 7) If anyone should ask of you who made this song say the Jack O' Roses and all who played along who rise, climb, fall to win Terrapin What have we to lose from love except what lacks foundation Words can only carve the space we fill with expectation The lion's den lies far behind (note 8) in visions of the damned Jack O' Roses one more time My lady, here's your fan (note 9) Terrapin let me rise, let me fall, let me climb, let me crawl but let me in Accept this fan as a token of what I meant to do for I really do love you

It's the dreaming that's real

Once again I find myself dreaming of you Mon Amour. In my dreams you are the one I let get away which is troublesome as I was the one who left you. You are always just out of reach and it's my own fault as I had you once all to myself for the rest of our lives and I let you go all in the name of doing the right thing. I had you, you were mine and I was yours if only for a small bit of time but it was the happiest I have ever been. I do regret what I did and how people were hurt and this shows up in my dreams as to always being on the outside looking in and never quite connecting with you, fuck that is frustrating some days. I hope you are happy and maybe fate will have us crossing paths one day. I miss you, I really really do. Out on the road in West Marin In a cloud of dust I met two djinn One was bright as pride and thin The other was fat and black as sin Isn't this how all good tales begin The big one looked a lot like you The other one looked just like you too They wound me round, they ran me through A score of lies they swore were true Isn't that what genies always do Night come sudden, dawn be soon Bide my time by the dark of the moon My strange heroes lead me on But when I get there they'll be gone Ever since I was a pup Deal was I'd sing before I'd sup My silver spoon's this beggar's cup And when it's empty I fill up All I have to do is just show up The prophet said all flesh is grass He had a soul like old stained glass A smile as sweet as sasafrass Well that ol' boy can kiss my ass Who the hell can wait for life to pass [chorus] I'm going to Adam's home in a world that we can't see To sing drunk with the angels, play again for free The way that is no way is calling you to me If we don't believe together, we might just cease to be Way down by the shining gate The djinn revealed to me my fate You and I, we've got a date I'll be there, but you'll be late Maybe things really comes to those that wait Those two djinn they couldn't stay Chased away by dawn's first rays They called back as they ran away They told me, "Have a real fine day" Isn't that what genies always say? [chorus] [chorus] A short while back the door flung wide We all saw good luck on the other side The door blew shut but here's the deal Dreams are lies, it's the dreaming that's real It's the dreaming that's real Dreams are lies, it's the dreaming that's real Dreaming that's real It's the dreaming that's real Dreaming that's real Dreaming that's real Dreaming that's real [etc]

What the Fuck

I really have to say what the fuck is wrong with people today. I also want to say a big Fuck You and Fuck Off to two of my three kids. When me and the wife should be enjoying ourselves and doing things for us we get shit on again by our kids. Sven was nice knowing you and I am sorry for my fucking piece of shit daughter for what she has done to you, she was not raised by us to be this way. Justin, Fuck You for bringing your shit and fucked up life into our lives. What makes you think I want your shit in my world. I know now I should of bought that fucking island in the stream so as to get away from all of you assholes who are harshing my mellow.